What Behaviors Are Expected at Each Age
As you have come to know, I write articles based on what is going on in my life. And right now I have major goings on with getting three of my little darlings off to school so they are not late. And this was not a new thing either, unfortunately. What was I not doing right? It didn’t take me long to come to the conclusion that this kind of thinking was going to get me no where. And so redirecting myself, I started wondering if maybe I had unrealistic expectations for their age.
There we go! That was a much easier route for my mind to take, since it didn’t involve anyone being at fault, me or them! Cool! I figured I’d just get out my trusty Total Transformation workbook, find the section on age appropriate expectations, and I’d get my answer. (By the way, I refer to that workbook and the Total Transformation CDs often – they’re starting to get worn out!)
There were places that discussed what behavior goes with what age and it was cool, too, to find discussions on consequences and rewards by age, which I will tell you about further on. But what I found that was most intriguing was 7 different parenting roles, yes like acting type roles. And in reading through this, I was astonished to find that this was where I was going to find the answer to change in my morning routine.
The Seven Permissive Parenting Roles
Let me list them: The Bottomless Pockets; The Over-Negotiator; The Screamer; The Ticket Puncher; The Savior; The Martyr; The Perfectionist. I had to know more. What I learned was that I was several of these in spades. And for the situation that sent me scrambling for answers, I was playing the Martyr.
What happens is the Martyr takes on the kid’s responsibilities and expects less and less from the kid because they don’t want the kid to be unhappy or distressed. It was not a pretty picture. James Lehman just lays it out real. And when I hear him I think that certainly makes sense. However, in the heat of battle, that sense flies right out the window. So when feelings are high, it is nice to have his words already tucked away for recall.
Ok so what about all those things that correspond to age? Behavior, consequence, reward. James Lehman breaks it down this way.
Ages 5-9 – At this age, children are interested in time with parents and other adults. They are beginning to establish some independent relationships with peers, but often need some adult support with this. Age appropriate consequences include going to bed early, losing TV or computer time, and going to their room. Rewards could be staying up late, earning stickers, and having someone do a chore for you.
Ages 10-14 – Now they are working on how finding themselves. This can be daunting. Partly because they want to start right out of the chute doing it on their own (with no training of course!) and partly because they do still need oversight from their adults. Making bad choices to learn the hard way is most common. Rewards revolve cell phones and usage, more computer or video game times and planning the dinner menu. Consequences will encompass losing that sacred cell phone or time, TV restrictions, and most horrible, loss of time with peers/activities.
Ages: 15 – 17 These young adults must be well on their way to being on their own. Independent or learning what they have left to be so are vital in making them successful young adults. If consequences or rewards are involved, the car and computer/phone time are the big winners here.
This is just the short list of age appropriate behaviors and how to use them in discipline because I picked out the ones that fit my morning “dispute”. Total Transformation has more both of this and the parenting styles too.
